That puts a LOT of pressure on me and some days I feel that I should comply, I stretch myself more than I should and I try to accomplish the impossible, on those days I just feel so exhausted and worn off because I stayed until very late just thinking about it, paralyzed and beating myself for not doing what I am supposed to do and not enjoying my free time (which I feel I have none) and getting even more behind in my work because I was over thinking everything instead of doing something. As a result of all that, and the lack of rest that I don't allow myself to have even when I sit down to do nothing because instead of letting myself go and rest, I am having a million bad thoughts about myself at the time, wondering why I am even trying, because my art is terrible and no one will every like anything I make ever again... That storm of thoughts and ideas will get me even more stressed out and will get even more behind on my work, because in my mind, I suck at life.
And then there are days when I feel like I am Wonder Woman. Days when I feel powerful and productive and happy and in control. Days when I remind myself that I can do stuff and that I don't have to be perfect and do it all, but that the little things matter and make a difference. Today is one of those days. Life is not perfect, my son is just getting better after days of being sick (which explains my lack of presence on the internet), and my daughter had a hard time falling asleep yesterday which guarantees us a rough day, and I haven't been able to work AT ALL, my house is messy and my hair doesn't want to do what I want it to do. Still, I feel good. I took a 1 hour walk in the morning while listening to an audiobook, the clouds were fluffy and I'm slowly but surely catching up with my e-mails and my work.
It think it has to do with attitude and with letting things be. I'm trying hard to love what is but also to change what I can change. I can clean up my house if I don't like the dirty dishes on the sink and the dust covered floors or I can choose to ignore it and change the way I see it and go do more important stuff.
Today I choose to change what I can change and accept what I cannot. And be in peace with that.